On Suicide

For the majority of my life, every day I have lived with thoughts of suicide.

 This isn’t something you can bring up in conversation. This isn’t something everyone can understand. It’s not something people know how to or want to talk about. There are many millions of people out there stuck with this burden and some of them won’t make it. All of them can be reached if they’re just allowed, encouraged, to talk.

 I wanted to write about this because it has been a huge part of my existence, it has been something I have fought lifelong to not give into.

For me, the thoughts really kicked in when I was about eleven, though I remember thinking about ‘not being there’ younger than that.

I have been plagued and tormented by suicidal ideation ever since, which has in my twenty-eighth year almost completely petered out with the help of some particularly strong medication.

 I always wanted to live, don’t let’s misunderstand that. I wanted to enjoy my life. I felt I had a lot to give, but these tendencies were so strong in me that they took hold. Also, it’s not a case of ‘wallowing’ in misery or being a miserable person or wanting attention or being selfish or self pitying or any of the nasty, nasty things people can say. This happened to me as a result of mental illness, and could not be helped by medication alone for years. I have had to work hard to recover from that dark place, but I now have the strength to do so.

 I think it’s also important to add that although my experience has been due to mental illness, people can become actively suicidal for many other reasons including chronic pain, terminal and non terminal chronic illness (I knew a woman who tried to commit suicide because she had chronic tinnitus and couldn’t sleep), bereavement, trauma and abuse, relationship breakdowns, drug and alcohol addiction etc. Feelings of hopelessness and having ‘no future,’ financial crisis, unemployment are all factors that can contribute to a suicidal person’s state of mind.

 Talking saved my life, and it can save someone else’s. It’s loneliness and ignorance that makes the unbearable fatal.

 There are different shades to suicidal ideation:

–          The casually thinking of death; fleeting thoughts,etc.

–          Then there’s the beginning to think about how and where.

–           and then there’s The Plan.

Once a person gets to this point people around them need to know.

If a person is so depressed they can barely get dressed or get out of bed then it is far less likely they will act upon the plan.

 If a person is capable and still has the energy to go ahead, then at this point there needs to be someone who can gauge the situation and contact services.

If a person is ‘making threats’ then that person needs to be listened to, not reasoned with. They will need non-judgemental care. If a person is being impulsive and has made any attempt at self harm or has expressed a wish to commit suicide, that person needs to be with someone while they get through the worst of it. If there are things you need to do and they can wait, then let them wait. Being there for someone in their darkest days might save their life.

When I was a teenager I was encouraged to write a Survival List. It is useful to put down on paper all the things that might prevent you from self-harm and suicide attempts. Start with small things that you might be able to do for the next few hours as distraction, and add phone numbers of friends, family, GP, Samaritans and your social worker or carer or nurse, if you have one. Keep hold of this list, write down on it things you can remind yourself when you are in despair, add photographs, and look at it every time you feel as though the situation is hopeless.

 If a person is very suicidal they will not just think that their life is not worth living, they will believe it. They won’t just think or imagine that they are worthless, it will be the very definition of them. You can’t change a person’s mind just like that, but you can coach them through by keeping communication wide open. You want the person to be able to divulge even The Plan to you in confidence. Once that is out in the open, it is a good deal harder for the person to follow it through. Someone expressing thoughts of suicide in this way is actually doing a bloody good job of taking care of themselves, by engaging. Someone who is very suicidal will do well just to get through a morning, an afternoon, a day. A good day will be having survived.

 When I was in a state of mixed mania, that was when it was at its worst for me. Mixed mania is like being ‘high’ with racing thoughts, excessive energy, physical agitation, wanting to talk and talk, but having with it negative thoughts. Pessimism, rage, anger and psychosis:  voices, hallucinations and paranoia can also manifest. Someone in this state needs to have someone on hand night and day. I survived because of the hospitals and then my husband. In this state I have made very serious suicide attempts in the past and I am haunted by them.

 Sometimes people find it hard to believe someone could go through with it or think the person is after ‘attention,’ and not really serious. Making a bad call on this might cost a life, so take it seriously  and contact a GP for Crisis Team services or a referral. Sometimes people threaten suicide to emotionally blackmail other people. That in itself is an entirely different thing and I would suggest that if someone is doing that to you, then contact the police.

 If you are a carer for a person with actively suicidal thoughts then being in touch with mental health services also gives you a chance to access support and counselling. It’s important that you talk to somebody too, you need support to help this person as it is extremely harrowing for you too.

 If you are someone who is currently experiencing recurrent thoughts of suicide I would like to say, first and foremost, if there is anyone in the world who loves you, you must not go through with it. If there is but one person, bereavement by suicide is a burden too great to bear. There is no getting over it. Nobody will be better off without you. You will have told yourself that they will. They will have nightmares, they will blame themselves, they will not be able to come to terms with why you did it. They will suffer for life. If you are going to commit suicide in public or outside people will see you and that will traumatise someone for the rest of their life. If you are going to do it at home someone will find you, and in what condition. If you make an attempt and it goes wrong, you could end up with brain damage, disfigurement, a disability, on life support. That happens. You may die painfully. You will die alone.

 Those are the facts, there’s no getting around them. If you are going through this you need to remember and keep in your mind that situations and moods change constantly.

We are charging through our lives at such velocity, and for most people, what is unbearable now will be bearable again at some point.

We all have a future, there is always endless scope for change.

You won’ t be in this same position in a year or two years from now.

You will find yourself in good situations and bad, but you will be alive.

 You are a long time dead. The people that love you will have to piece everything together in your wake. They will mourn, they will be tempted to follow you. If you feel you have no-one in the world, then understand you are not on your own. So many people today, tonight will be in a similar position.

If you are in desperation right now, you need to take yourself to your nearest A & E department, where there will be someone you can talk to. I have had to do this in the past. The staff at A & E were kind and were more than happy to talk, to get the doctor up and to sort out the mess I was in, even though it took all night.

 If you don’t feel safe, then do see someone, ring someone, talk, ask for help. Talk about the thoughts as much as you can, the burden will get lighter.

 Someone who is suicidally depressed won’t just be ‘cheered up’ by things, nothing will shift their perspective. The depression and the thoughts will still remain.

Recovering from depression, whether clinical or brought on by external events such as a bereavement, takes a good deal of time and patience on the part of those whose loved one is struggling.

If the person has previously self-harmed or attempted suicide the situation is even more fragile. Blame will only worsen the situation. Sometimes when you’re dealing with someone who is suicidal, it is tempting to get angry with them, to try and make them ‘see sense.’ The very depths to which someone goes to, in thinking about ending their life are unimaginable. It is the darkest place. It is suffocating, and  it is frightening.

Even people with ‘happy’ lives can become depressed.

Even people who appear to have ‘good’ lives can become depressed.

Even mums and dads, and people from every walk of life can have suicidal thoughts.

 Internally a person goes through so much, and suicidal ideation is an internal struggle. People will often demand to know why a person is unhappy.

But the fact is, they may not have a ‘reason’ but are inexplicably depressed.

They are ill, and need nursing.

Be consistent. Be level-headed. Don’t panic. Don’t be afraid. Be patient.

The most important thing is that the person sees a psychiatrist via a GP who might make a referral, and possibly prescribe some medication.  

Antidepressants have been proven to be successful and will help. If you have a mood disorder or psychosis you will need other kinds of medication which will stabilise you.

Many people don’t like the thought of taking medication and I hear so often that people want to stop taking it, but I believe we’re seriously lucky in this country to have anti-depressants and mood stabilisers and anti-psychotics, because although they are all imperfect and don’t ‘cure’ anything, they can give relief from the pain and can manage symptoms including suicidal ideation very, very effectively.

It is something you can’t just give up on, there will be medication right for you, even if you have to go through a dozen to find the right one.

Medication saved my life.

I would do anything to be without it but I don’t have a choice, it’s either this way or dead.

I hung on and on and on, and before I began the right medication I was unrecognisable from the person I am now.

I never believed there would be any respite, sometimes the thoughts themselves, the fact that they wouldn’t go away made me wish I wasn’t here anymore, just to stop the nagging. I was constantly preoccupied at times, over the years. When I made plans and didn’t tell anyone, I was a serious danger to myself. 

I never thought I would be sitting here writing this, I only ever imagined a life cut short by my own suicide. My brain traced this idea over and over until I only ever thought of how I could. But even at my most acutely ill state I knew that I would devastate other people’s lives. I didn’t want to leave my children without a mother, though every fibre in my body told me I needed to be dead. That nothing could ever make the pain go away. I even told myself people would understand, because my suffering was obvious. I thought my husband would be relieved. I was very wrong.

When you’re working against every survival instinct in your body, you need help.

You need people around you to see that you can’t help it, that you need the support of your loved ones, that you don’t want to hurt anyone, you just want an end to the situation. If you need to talk to someone and you feel there is no-one listening do try the Samaritans, who will be there for you night and day. They can’t change anything, but you can confide in them and they will listen. Go through every available avenue before you make those steps toward suicide, there are so many people who you can reach out to. You are not helpless.

There are reasons to live and reasons to die and all of these are subjective and personal. If you want a person to live, you tell them at every opportunity that someone loves them.  I lost somebody I love, and the last thing I told them was ‘I love you babe’. That I will always be comforted by. But there are plenty of things I didn’t say and things I didn’t do which I will always regret.

 Ten Reasons To Live


1. You are unique in this world.

2. The very nature of life is endless possibility.

3. You are strong in ways you never imagined.

4. You are loved.

5. Some part of you still wants to live.

6. It is possible to recover from this.

7. You have good memories. They can be matched with further good experiences.

8. You care that other people don’t suffer.

9. You have overcome so much pain already, you can go on.

10. Somebody, somewhere needs your love.


10 thoughts on “On Suicide

  1. I didn’t know whether to read this or not,obviously,i decided to…
    Brilliant piece of writing,this alone should be published and handed out at schools,prisons,hospitals…EVERYWHERE,partly for the people in the darkest of places,and partly for those people who think that pulling oneself together is the cure for all ill’s.
    The part about those left behind struck me most,thats the mantra i use everytime i hit the dark,and repeat it over and over.
    Of all the things ive been through and all the things ive seen,i still can’t get “over” that.

  2. Thankyou Amanda for reading. It’s good to know that it has resonated, I’ve had some really nice messages, there are so many people in this position that don’t talk about it, don’t know how to talk about it or who to talk to and suffer silently. I just thought I’d put it out there, maybe it might reach someone who needs it. We are tough people for dealing with this shit and not giving up. Some things you can never get over. Keep that mantra going when you need it. We’ve come a long way. xx

  3. I think this is a great article. I have to confess, I have shared this link on my facebook – I do apologise, I should have asked first. I hope you don’t mind, Melissa. The article resonated with me and I was sure it would do with others. I have spent a lot of time over the years comforting and talking with friends and family who are depressed and/or suicidal. I worry that there is still a tremendous stigma surrounding suicide as an issue, and too little help available for those who have the thoughts, but lack the courage to share those thoughts with others or actively use their support network. The more we start to talk about suicide as an issue, the greater the chance someone will seek help before they attempt The Plan.

  4. Of course I don’t mind you sharing the link, Katherine. It’s good to know that any of it meant anything to someone else. We do need to talk about suicide, and somehow get through all the stigma because like you have firsthand experience of, this is not an uncommon issue. I have come into contact with many people with suicidal thoughts and also people who have gone through with it. Thankyou for reading my post, and sharing! x

  5. Dear Melissa,

    Thank you for putting into words what I’ve always felt. I don’t think there has been more than a month gone by in my 55 years when I didn’t think about suicide; even when I was fairly happy with my life. Even when I was a child.

    Right now I’m in one of the really bad times when I think about it almost constantly. I have a wonderful husband, comfortable home, and a decent job. But my libido is less than zero, I hate the job, and I have a worrisome pile of debt resulting from poor career choices and overspending to alleviate my anxiety and depression. Since a car accident in 1997, I have not had a day free of neck and back pain.

    I’ve been in therapy off and on since 1988, on meds since 1990, got free of an abusive first marriage in 2002, but still feel adrift and like I don’t belong anywhere. I’ve been BS’ing my therapist that I’m fine for the last few years so I can geting meds without really having to talk to her. Now I’m too ahsamed to admit my fraud (and alcoholism) to come clean with her. I want to take a bunch of those pills, lie down, and go to sleep and relief.

    Again, I thank you for your straight-forwardness and for providing me a safe venue to vent. It has helped some. Maybe I’ll look for a new therapist.

  6. Hi there,

    I’m so glad you got in touch here, it’s good that you wrote. I don’t have any good, wise advice to offer you and I’m sure you don’t need it, you’ve heard it all I expect. It’s a hell of a long time to go in pain, and I have some experience of that myself. But I don’t know what it’s like for you. I can only imagine. Maybe you need to start afresh with a new therapist, but if you do maybe you should tell them about the problems with the old one so you can wipe the slate clean and start again. That sounds like a good plan, if that’s what you want to do. Keep writing, talking, and venting. Find me on facebook if you would like, I’ll always be happy to exchange there. The reality for now is that you’ve managed to stay alive this long, and that is an achievement, I’m sure you can keep hanging on; you must be a very strong person. I’m not trying to fob you off either- you HAVE to be a strong person to get through all these years like you have. Take care and stay in touch,

    Melissa x

  7. I was crying my eyes out when I started reading this and I still am… Ive always been against doctors and medication, they terrify me. It wasnt until recently that I realized i might actually be mentally ill.

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