Sad Utopia

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This river could be anywhere. Nowhere, anywhere. I’d never seen it until today. My dog has a chronic phobia of bridges so we couldn’t cross it.

The sky’s been heavy and complicated and burdened. I’ve felt as though there is a great weight above me today; not exactly an emotional weight or burden. Not exactly anything. Just uncrossable bridges, and a feeling I can’t shake like I could be anywhere or nowhere; an aching back, a head full of pressure.

The dog sat in the backseat of the car. He doesn’t know what a car is or does. He doesn’t understand why or how it moves or where we went, why we went or how. He lives in the moment and moves always forward, never backwards. This is why I love dogs. But I sometimes feel frustrated he doesn’t understand me so I can’t explain this crazy world to him.

I was in a multi-storey car park today; I like the smell of those places. I like the grime and the petroleum hum. The dank chemical emptiness. I saw this light and felt anxious and overwhelmed for no reason:

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Every night when my sleeping tablets kick in and I start to unravel, having been tense all day, I try to fall asleep thinking of the things I love. It goes like this…gooseberrypiefloralcrepedechineshoegazejapanesegardensstevenhoughton

davidfosterwallacenightwooddapplegreyponiesohmygodamIgratefulformylifepowder

pinkglasswarefireenginerednailpolishopenplainsoceansriversseasstarszzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

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