My Heart Is An Apple

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This is one of my favourite places on earth. You can just see Pendle Hill in the distance. When we come here we are on top of the world.

This evening my son and I made tomato soup, home made sunflower and pumpkin seed rolls and apple pie made with orange, walnuts, brown sugar, cinnamon and vanilla and custard. We were too full to run around. We felt gloriously full and happy.

The light has changed and waned and dimmed all day. I felt sad today for no particular reason and I became troubled, slow and depressed through the morning. Colours shifted from ordinary to dark, shadowy and worrying – the sky became turbulent, I saw shadows and dirt and dust on everything. The house looked cluttered, untidy and dirty and dark. I couldn’t stand it so we went out to buy Luke a raincoat and I felt sad in Primark in a creased dress, sad in the mall and decided to take him to have a milkshake in the fake American diner. I had bottomless coffee while he drank his own weight in oreo milkshake and we smiled at one another.

We went to the market and bought bramley apples. Luke had a shopping list in his backpack and we bought walnuts from another stall. I felt frightened and jumped every time I heard a loud noise. If someone touched me or brushed past me I shuddered. I felt every movement and every jostle in my blood. I concentrated on the shopping list and we made it home and began to cook.

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I have no reason to feel sad, despondent, lonely or melancholy. I can look forward to other times, moments and events but feel today my heart has been heavy and sodden. There is no real reason. Sometimes all the colour is sucked from my world. The camera helps, the camera shows true colours. It frames the world in manageable fragments. It is hard to plan ahead when I never know how my mood might be on a daily, sometimes hourly basis; I can’t pin myself down. Sometimes I am up against severe agitation for a whole day which doesn’t abate with very powerful medication. Sometimes I am too sad to speak. Sometimes I can’t stop talking and sometimes I am enraged for no reason whatsoever. I have these constants though – my son, my daughter, my husband and my pets. They soothe me and calm me, they give me a reason to stay motivated to try hard and dig deep when it’s unbearable and fight to stay on top of despair and preoccupation. If you have love, you don’t want for anything in this life.

The way I feel is sometimes so out of sync with my world that I don’t recognise myself in it. I feel I just don’t fit. I ask my husband all the time what is wrong with me. I say why am I like this. I implore him. He doesn’t know, or else he does and can’t say, or else he knows I know and don’t want to know and can’t stand it. Some days, everything hurts. Tomorrow may be completely different. I feel numb to the touch tonight and blurry round the edges. When I shut my eyes in bed I’ll feel relief at a day ending, a day that wasn’t all so bad at all, a day where I spent wonderful time with my family – but inside I felt rotten and bruised and the bruising has spread out to all the edges of me. Goodnight world, oh goodnight, goodnight.


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